Love : Desire, Ability, or Job

Love here!
♥

I found a blog by one of my closets friends the other day titled “The ability of Love”, and it spoke to me. It made me think about what I consider love to be and how I let it affect my life. I use to fantasize about being in love; that it would be the happiest time in my life and with it I would be complete. I believed that with love nothing in my life could or would go wrong and that I would be in this paradise; like Id be laying on a beach all day and a waiter would bring over one of those nice drinks that are in pineapple with a pretty umbrella. (you know that place I’m talking about?) I know it sound silly but I really believed that when I was in love this is how it would be. I guess that’s how I wanted it to be. I was very naïve and young, and still am. I slowly realized love is not just an emotion, it’s your actions, and it’s your willingness to compromise and deal with circumstances that come your way. It’s your ability to trust with out fear and let go of things so they don’t affect your actions in the future. If you can not do this, then you are not ready for love.

Now I can be a very spiteful person, but since I’ve gotten some of my closets friends who are 10 times as I am, I learned how that can hurt relationships. I learned how making another person hurt should not make me feel good and I promised myself that I would never do that to a person. Its hard not to react when you’ve been hurt, very hard, and when you are in the moment and do not take a second to think about what you are doing, you can end up causing more damage than good. I’m a person that is ruled by my emotions, I simply am. No two ways about it. SO I’m not going to learn how to put them aside in a day, it’s going to take a while to get out of habit. Supposedly it takes 30 days for your body to realize a habit, and if you’ve been doing that thing for years, wouldn’t it take more than 30 days to get out of something that comes natural to you? Not saying that without work you can’t learn to stop it, and it is going to take a while. Not a day or two, or even a week. Probably not even a month if you’ve been doing things like this your whole life. Therefore it takes patients and trust that a person really is trying to change.

In my homies blog he says “We have to stop looking at love like a feeling an more like a journey with no destination… how different would we act if we couldn’t tell someone loved us back but rather loved because it was the right thing to do…” He goes on to conclude that love is more than just an emotion and that people cant use others emotions to create love, we need to love fully because it’s the right thing to do. I fully love because it’s the right thing to do. There are people that I love I have to never told because I knew they didn’t love me back. I didn’t stop loving them, and I didn’t stop being a friend to them because I know if I were the one was in that persons place I wouldn’t want someone to stop loving me. I don’t want someone to love me just because I love them. I want them to love me because it’s the right thing to do, and because they feel in their heart that they trust me, that they will work with me to make things right when everything seems wrong, and that they truly believe we are to be one.

Another good point he made was “love requires the strength to carry the load sometimes when the other is down and out in need of support… an endurance that is showcased everyday when surrounded by a world that doesn’t get or want love and will do anything to tear it down”. Love is for more than the willing and wanting, it’s for the strong who realize the work that keeping love in their life takes. It takes a sense of optimism to realize that at the end of the day if you believe love is worth working for you will do it.
People have this picture of what being in love should be, but nobody really wants to work at it. Being in love takes flexibility, persistence, and heart on both sides, not just one. And if both sides feel like the other isn’t giving enough then there something missing. Communication- but that’s another blog at another time.

My heart is tired, and my eyes burn. Maybe I’ll be in love again someday, but as for now it doesn’t feel like it.

Love out

♥

The beginning

Love here!

♥

This is the beginning of an adventure, my adventure. My adventure to love. I want to love again. Not a person, but myself, my life, and everything in my life. I feel as though I'm so far from loving the way I use to, and I just want to get back. So far gone. Too far gone to the point that the other day I didn't think I would ever love again. I was in a dark place that I hadn't been to in years and a place I promised myself I would never go to again. Unfortunately I was there, and had been there for a while, but was too blind in what I thought was love to realize where I was. Only when the smoke and mirrors crashed and faded away did I realize what the hell happened.

I call myself a lovechild because of how I was conceived (we will get into that later, much later). I consider myself to be a very loving person, sometimes too much. I love people and life despite the ugliness, lies, and hurt they put me through. Throughout my life I have been hurt many times; but I have always managed to get back up and love 10 times harder than the time before. No one loves like I do. I believe its a gift and a curse...

So, right now I'm experiencing the 5 stages of grief. I know by the end of the week Ill be ok, but its only day two. I feel much better today than I did yesterday but boy is it hard.

The 5 stages of grief they are : 1)Denial and Isolation, 2)Anger, 3)Bargaining, 4)Depression, and 5)Acceptance

So I definitely went through stage 1-3 already. I'm either in 4 or 5 right now. Im pretty sure its 4 because there are moments when I think Im ok...and then there are moments where Ill just start crying hysterically out of nowhere, or cant sleep for hours.


I open with this just to explain where I am right now. So some of this will be funny, happy, hysterical, but some of it will be sad, miserable and a little redundant. But I know I need to do this in order to move to a more positive place. Let go of the old and embrace the new

I know its going to be hard, with a lot of tears and anger, but Im ready for an adventure. (happy dance)

Love out.

♥